Let’s go back to our Character Under a Microscope series (when we dive into little details of character development) and talk about attachment styles in relationships. When creating your characters, most will be in a romantic relationship at some point during the story. When crafting these subplots, writers have to think about what kind of relationship struggles the characters will endure. In psychology, Adult Attachment Theory breaks relationships into four kinds, which can help writers easily categorize their characters’ relationships and develop believable struggles.
Adult Attachment Theory
Adult Attachment Theory states that how a person behaves in a romantic relationship is largely influenced by his relationship with his primary caregiver during the first year of his life. In that formative year, the child learns how to emotionally connect with another person, and the experience impacts adult relationships and emotional intimacy.
Now, the child-caregiver relationship isn’t the only influence (significant relationships in adolescent and adult life can impact a person), but it does weigh heavily on a person. I’m pointing this out because as writers this can help us develop our character’s wound (how tragedy in the past affects actions in the present). According to this theory, your character can have a bad relationship with his caregiver that first year to create insecurities. However, it’s also possible he had a great childhood but had a significant relationship issue later that’s impacted his ability to have a healthy romantic relationship.
For Adult Attachment Theory, psychologists studied attachment behaviors and identified four types of attachment styles in adult relationships. Let’s look into each one and consider how they’re used in stories to create a romantic subplot full of realistic struggles.
Four Attachment Styles
During their research, psychologists realized people either have a secure attachment style or an insecure attachment style. Within the insecure styles, there are three types: anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. Hence, everyone has either a secure, anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment style in their romantic relationships. Let’s dig into each one.
1. Secure
A secure attachment style is when people feel safe and confident in their relationships. The person is able to confide in, seek advice from, and trust others. When there are issues in a relationship, this person will communicate well with the other person and seek to solve the problem jointly. People secure in their relationships have a good level of self-esteem and feel comfortable even when they are alone.
Not a lot of books follow a character who has a secure attachment style because it appears to lack conflict, and conflict makes a good story. However, I don’t agree that a healthy relationship is without conflict; these people just often work through it in a healthy manner. To keep a story full of conflict with this type of romance subplot, writers must add more external conflict. Something impacts them and causes a bump in their relationship, and then they have to struggle through it while leaning on each other. The difference between this attachment style and the others is that these characters struggle together to face external conflict instead of struggling against each other with interpersonal conflict.
2. Anxious
The anxious attachment style is when a person feels worry in a relationship, often needing constant attention and proof of love. Lacking self-esteem, they want other people’s approval, and they fear rejection and being left. They tend to wonder if the other person really loves them, and they can often have a jealous nature. People with anxious attachment style don’t like spending time alone and can come across as needy. These people can be manipulative to keep their loved one close, such as guilt tripping them or being overly controlling.
In stories, anxious attachment style is often used because it naturally provides a flaw for the character and a potential growth arc (from clingy/controlling to trusting). However, I see this used more for male POV characters than female. The men tend to be controlling of their love-interests (usually under the guise of being overprotective) and have to learn to trust the person by story’s end. I assume it isn’t as popular with female POVs because of stereotyping. Females with this attachment disorder tend to be more clingy than firmly controlling like men, and a clingy character is annoying for readers. Typically, writers love using this attachment style for ex-girlfriends instead. If you can show a woman with an anxious attachment style who readers can get behind, your story will be more likely to stand out in the crowd and fill a gap in literature.
3. Avoidant
On the opposite side of the spectrum is avoidant attachment style: people who have a fear of intimacy and like to maintain emotional distance from others. These people have a strong sense of independence and see others as needy. They just want to take care of themselves and not rely on others—or let others rely on them. Wanting to maintain their freedom, they will only seek short-term relationships or partners who are as independent as them.
Avoidant attachment style is probably the most used one in romance plots. It’s typical to have one person in the couple who is very independent and closed off from other people. Normally, this behavior stems from some past romantic relationship that went wrong and the person is afraid of opening up again. Despite it being used a lot, this attachment style is very effective in stories. Everyone understands the fear of emotionally connecting with someone and then being hurt by that person. When writing an avoidant style, just consider how you can make your romance plot feel fresh so it isn’t a rinse and repeat.
4. Disorganized
Lastly, disorganized attachment style is a very unhealthy and erratic way to engage in a romantic relationship. These people are a mix of anxious and avoidant, craving love but thinking themselves unworthy of it. They will seek out relationships to only end them, and they may be clingy one day and distant the next. It’s important to note that these people often suffered some kind of abuse as a child and don’t know how to have a healthy relationship. They find relationships confusing and scary, but crave the connection all the same.
Stories often use disorganized attachment style for characters who have suffered childhood trauma or have mental illness. When writing this style, it’s important to show the good along with the bad. Just because this is an unhealthy way to connect to others doesn’t mean it can’t have its good moments, and it’s possible to have character growth so they have a healthier relationship at the end. Obviously, a character with this attachment style may never fully convert to a secure attachment style, but it’s possible to get closer to it and have healthy relationships, especially with a good partner. Romance arcs involving a character with disorganized attachment style can be dark, but they can also be some of the most moving stories if growth is made by the end.
Final Thoughts
I hope you found this helpful and it has you thinking about your couples. You can create several combinations of romance arcs by switching what two attachment styles appear in the story. Two secure attachment style people as a couple will read very different from an anxious and an avoidant couple—or even a secure and a disorganized couple. Also, I’d like to point out that, while the psychological studies I found didn’t expand this to relationships outside of romance, I personally think this can be applied to any close relationships. If you have a story about two best friends, these attachment styles will be present in those characters and affect their friendship. So, pick which style will be your protagonist, then look at the love interest and the close friends to see what kind of combinations you can make for relationship arcs.
Thanks for reading!
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